Dancing...in Shit...with Covid...It’s a Thing

"I think I will walk in with you.  Maybe they will let me come in the room with you."  "Ok.  I would like that." That was my conversation with my husband as we were walking in to the Covid Walk In clinic on Monday afternoon.  I had tested positive two weeks earlier.  I was sure they would just send me home and quite frankly I was a bit irritated that I had to go to the work to "walk in" to appease my families worries.

This is what I whispered to my husband next. "I haven't done laundry in two weeks, my underwear today have a huge hole them...this is like a comedy scenario...we both chuckled."  

I cannot remember my husband ever taking me to the doctor before.  It may be awhile before he does again.  I can tell you I was grateful he was the one in there with me. The next 20 minutes are a blur and an ambulance ride to the hospital.  What is distinctly clear in my memory is that as they were undressing me to start an EKG, I looked over and Brian pulled his mask down to whisper...I love you.  I knew he was really saying..."don't worry about the hole in your underwear... I love you..."

I am certain the next several hours were a complete shock to him.  They certainly were to me.  I was going in for an inhaler to help me breathe. Next thing I'm in a ambulance headed to the hospital.  Turns out they keep oxygen there too...much better than an inhaler...who knew?  

Today is Wednesday.  I failed my "oxygen test" this morning.  I was a bit discouraged.  My daughter sent me a picture of her word board.  She had just changed the words today. What she didn't know was that I have been reading Adam Grants book "Think Again" wherein he talks about negotiating life, thoughts, and ideals, by dancing with those around you, learning to connect and find common ground with others.  I also had just finished re-reading my own post from years ago about dancing to life's rythym.   I needed her words...they found me  Good words always do if you seek them out.  Notice them.  Utilize them.

I am also a Peace pursuer who knows the benefit of a good swear word on occasion.  I have received a few of those during my stay as well.  A text from a good friend, "What? You mean this shit is real?! Are you ok?"

I have reflected on my Joy Jar gift words. "A wise girl once said, 'Let that shit go!' And she lived happily ever after."  I got a card from another daughter today with the words she used when she had her son 5 weeks early during Covid and Sepsis following for a total of close to 3 weeks in the hospital during January and February. I'm not sure you can read the photo. "Mom these words helped me. I hope they help you too.  'Put one foot in front of the other and soon you will be walking out the door.' The Kris Kringle movie." These words helped her...they helped me. I also read another old post today. Unwrapping shit 

I think you can begin to see the pattern here...dancing...and shit.  I love good strong words.  They are not always pretty.  Life is not always pretty.  But..it is beautiful.  I love to garden.  I understand the benefits of fertilizer to the soil that helps beauty grow.  It isn't the beautiful thing itself. In fact it often even smells pretty bad.  But given a chance to work its magic good things come.  

 My husband, each of my children and my friends and family have shared such good words with me. Most words do not come with a picture opportunity They just soak in...nourish you.  The isolation has been difficult for me. The Covid staff is amazing.  They work 12 hour shifts and because they know their patients need words they take time to talk. They have been kind and patient and encouraging.  I am grateful for them. Had I waited even one more day to come in my story could be much different I could have been in ICU and ventilated like so many others.  This post would not be a thing today for sure.

I love dancing in life's garden. That means I may on occasion step in it's glorious fertilizer!  This past month has been one of those months.  My husband was so sick with Covid.  I had never seen him so sick.  I was good in comparison.  When he got better I knew I would too.  I was only a day or two behind him. I made him get out the calendar one night and count how many more days I would be sick.  You know...his crystal ball.

Spoiler alert... 

There is no Crystal Ball.  Life is uncertain.

 I have a good friend who has been dancing in life's fertilizer herself these past few months.  We share an imoji of a spouting whale when we need to "vent" a little before going in for the deep dives life frequently requires on tough days.  Breathing Deep.  Another concept to visit and re-visit.  Some how especially Covid suitable this week for me. 

The only thing I would change is my underwear.  (Or would I?) 

Dancing. Shit. Holes. Covid.  

Enough said.

Covid19 - A Super Power Balancing Act...

A picture perfect moment. In fact, it was a picture. Sent via Snapchat from my daughter.  The moment, like the photo, was already gone. Perhaps, by now she had let it's power slip from her memory as she continued throughout her day. The image was of my grandson who was asleep in the front carrier strapped to my daughter...my daughter had a smile on her face, hair up and sweat beads on her forehead.  The Snapchat caption read, "I just mowed the yard with JJ...he slept the whole time."

Balancing life is not an act of planned positioning as the phrase would lead you to believe. 

A life in balance is actually the after effect of Super Power utilization.

This Super Power is frequently only recognized for a brief moment. You feel it when you have activated it. Perhaps you snap a quick photo of the proof. Then, just as quickly, your not even sure the moment happened at all. You took a picture, right? Or maybe not, it was such a fleeting thing there was no time. Was it actually just a deep breath? I really needed that deep breath.

I long to be able to have that Super Power under my control. 

Is that a thing?

I came across a quote at Christmas this year and captioned a photo of my granddaughter with it.

 I wasn't thinking of this Post then.  I was thinking of her one of kind personality.  The one that pushes open my front door and at almost three years old comes in saying, (in a voice Grandma sometimes has a hard time understanding), "Hello, Grandma, I'm here for the party."  

The Pandemic that is COVID19 and the current world events leave me feeling out of balance nearly everyday. In fact, the world seems completely up side down. If life is a carnival ride, it is a roller coaster right now. I don't like roller coasters. My family loves to buy the photos at the end of the ride just so they can have a picture of my distorted, terrified face.

I tend to close my eyes when I am at the apex of a roller coaster loop.  The momentary suspension upside down and flip is sure proof that I am not in control. Who's driving this ride?!?

Would I feel differently if I opened my eyes?

My son while walking a trail recently took this picture. I love it. It is an image that for me is visual deep breath.  Beautiful. Peaceful.

Now look more closely...can you see it? 

I didn't see it at all.  My son had flipped the image upside down. 

Upside down and balanced?  

Peace...Balance...It is something that I have always had to work at, seek after, look for.

My husband and I have made a habit of walking our neighborhood streets in the evenings for many years. The Spring of 2002 was no exception. This was only few months after the tragedy of 9/11. Our country and much of the world was in turmoil then as well.

A neighbor and friend who often saw us walking together, asked me if one evening my husband and I would mind stopping by to look a sculpture she was working on and give her our opinion of her work. There was a back story that I wish I remembered more of the details of today.  Suffice it to say she had a brother who was an artist, sculptor, in Colorado.  He was going blind and in a recent visit had sent her home with some clay. I said "yes" to her request.  When I told my husband he said "absolutely not."   Two weeks later we were knocking on her door.  

She led us to a small room off of her garage where we were awe struck by what was in front us on the work bench.  No one would ever have believed it was the first time she had laid hands on clay.  It had taken her months to complete.

She showed us the photos she took of another neighbor, a young woman and of her grandchild which she used as her reference. (Yes the sculpture looked just like them) 

She shared with us that she spent several weeks considering what she would do with the clay. Then one night she woke up and had a clear picture in her mind of exactly what that piece of clay was supposed to look like when she was done. That was all.  A picture of the finish before she had even started. It truly did pay tribute to the children who had lost a parent in the 9/11 attack.  It was a woman holding a child wrapped in the American Flag.

She asked if we might be willing to help her by purchasing one of the statues for the cost of the bronzing. Her story had inspired us during those dark days. It gave us hope and a different perspective. We wanted  a reminder in our home of that peace and the assurance that during some of our darkest nights we are able to see the illuminated finish without having any idea of how we are going get to there.

It was only a few weeks later she knocked on our door. She had been crying I could tell. When she took her clay piece in to the molding and casting facility they told her that it was very unlikely that it would come out whole.  They told her that even the most experienced sculptors would have great difficulty balancing a work so large on such a small balance point. They did not believe the piece would make it through the first firing.  

The finished piece is still a focal point in our home. It's perfect balance came not from experience but rather by seeing the end from the beginning. Having the faith to try something new simply because that end had been seen...no matter the naysayers. Believing. Can I say Super Power activation here?

In February of this year, 2020, my husband and I went to visit my daughter and grandchildren in Utah. (Yes, there was life before COVID...) We decided to take an overnight adventure to the recreational area that is Moab. As we made the turn into Arches National Park after a three hour drive the kids were more than ready to get out of the car.  We stopped at one of the first places where we were just going to take a quick look and stretch our legs. My grandson Kaden is autistic.  I am not sure if life ever feels out of balance to him.  He has the ability to focus so intently that he seems not to notice the chaos around him. 

And yet, I am not so sure he doesn't notice...he was the first one out of the car with Grandma that day.  He walked on ahead of me.  For a moment I was afraid I would not catch up with him and that my daughter would need to run and grab his hand. Then, to my surprise, he simply sat down and looked up at the rock formation in front of him.  He was holding on to his favorite Woody and TRex companions.  Then with certain steadiness, not ever looking down, he turned Woody and TRex so that they could witness the awe of what he was seeing. 

Simply named. Balanced Rock.

Life balance in the midst of life chaos.  

It really is all around us... the Balance.

The ability to tap into the steadiness of Life Balance on our most difficult days is a true Super Power.  

Most frequently there is no photographic evidence of this Peace Super Power.  I have witnessed its effects at work when my husband comes out of the office after finishing a legal brief and sits down in the cushy seats, usually reserved for our clients, and my son-in-law reviews the Covid Court Rules on how to get everything where it needs to be on time. Just a moment of balance even with a thermometer, masks, and hand sanitizer on the front desk. 

Did I mention the protest walking by the front door? Over 1,000 people that day.

I have not been opening my eyes enough on this ride. Squeezing them shut actually.  Feeling nauseous. My personal cup of Peace tipped over and empty.  Can I even admit a crack or two?  

I received a facetime call from family in Minnesota. The connection was like a drink of cool water.  I was parched.  My cup was broken after all.  Then a few weeks later a text with a photo from earlier years.  In fact, I have received more than one of these "throw back photos" since quarantine began.  A reminder that balance in the midst of "chaos" is attainable.

Believe me when I say this crowd put on a protest or two back in the day. Those kids are all grown up now. Change...it's inevitable. 

Last week I spent some time late at night looking at photos. (Of course I was on my ipad where I can actually see the image without my reading glasses.)  These were moments in my family's life that they shared with me.  They were sharing their personal Super Power moments of life balance. The pictures where large and clear and it was in them that I could see evidence of what I had begun to think was a lost Super Power...

My granddaughter told me this doll reminded her of me.  It was her Grandma Action Figure.  I actually have no excuses left with my own action figure.  I must have the ability to tap into this Super Power of Balance in midst of Chaos...even upside down.  

I called my daughter who had activated her Super Power at the beginning of this post. I asked her if she ever saved her snap chat photos.  She said no not usually. Then she asked me which one I was wanting.  When I described her Super Power moment she laughed and said, "Of course I saved that one! I was so proud of that moment!"  

Life Moments in Balance...just open your eyes...it's a Super Power thing.